Fang-less Vampire Sucks Class Out Of Neck

During a dim-lit engagement in the Los Angeles area, local journalist/heartthrob Matt Moore was viciously attacked by what scientist have only determined to be a hot, fang-less vampire early last weekend. Moore, who believed the female ‘creature of the night’ was actually the living, had plans of dinner and dancing followed by kissing or the prospect of making out. Moore did not, however, plan on the embarrassment caused when the ‘vampire’ attempted to suck out his blood through his skin rather than attempting to create an appropriate neck puncture wound.

“I would have gladly had her use a knife or even a screw driver to help suck my blood out.” Moore said while wearing a turtleneck sweater. “At least that way I’d have a man’s wound. Right now I look like I just got off a late night high school band trip.”

Though Moore should be concerned that he too is possibly the undead, his energies are primarily focused on skin tone make-up and legitimizing wool scarves in June.

Kirchner Reclaims Hair/'Balls'

Early last week, boyfriend/pushover Jeff Kirchner regained ownership of his testicles by alerting long-term girlfriend to his plans of growing his hair out. The move, which crescendoed in Kirchner telling his girlfriend to “place her lips on his posterior,” has managed to alter Kirchner’s ‘street cred’ from ‘non-existent’ to ‘questionable.’

Kirchner’s girlfriend has been under suspicion of testicle misappropriation as early as 2003, though no significant leads were established until the following year. Matt Moore, the lead investigator on the matter, has long blamed the girlfriend for Kirchner’s supposed lack of desire to shake the ‘ΣΝ’ look. Despite differing opinions on the legitimacy of ‘rock hair’ and ‘looking awesome,’ Kirchner claims the relationship with said girlfriend remains stable.

Moore Risks All For Nothing

In a move that can only be classified as ‘retarded,’ Matt Moore almost ran completely out of gas on LA’s north 101 freeway early Wednesday morning. The incident took place shortly after the hour of 2am as Moore, fueled by a desire to ‘put his head down,’ was returning home from the Hollywood area.

The incident was not the first of its kind as Moore has found himself in a similar situation more than once within the last 2 months.
“I know its not good for the car, but I’m pretty much the best at it” Moore explained as he coasted into his local Shell station the following morning. “Why would I stop being the best?” Though Moore is aware that what he is doing is completely useless, and continued behavior is eventually going to result in use of the word ‘tardy’ and a tow truck, he shows no signs of slowing down his efforts to his waste time or that of others. “You remember The Matrix? Robots run things man. Not me. My car knows who’s boss.”

Though Moore claims he’s taking a stand for humanity, further investigation proves he is simply becoming lazy.

Future Statement Has Lude Implications

In an effort to decrease consumable waste/foster good will, Matt Moore made a statement nothing shy of awkward late Thursday afternoon. As Moore unloaded a newly purchased bag of groceries he asked best friend and roommate Jeff Kirchner if Kirchner wanted to ‘eat my buns.’ The statement was intended to reference an 8-pack of hamburger buns purchased a half hour prior to the incident, however, with Kirchner in another room completely unaware of the baked goods, the statement was only met with an uncomfortable silence.

Moore, feeling guilty for wasting uneaten hamburger buns at the end of the week, felt he would implement Al Gore’s teachings by allowing Kirchner the opportunity to share the buns. Moore hoped this effort would boost overall apartment morale while giving both he and Kirchner a sense of global awareness.


“I just wanted to know if he wanted some buns,” Moore later claimed in the living room. “I, in no way, intended Jeff attempt to consume MY buns.”

Though the statement was contained within the apartment, Moore and Kirchner still found it necessary to spend the next 20-30 minutes discussing Monster Trucks, black eyes, and female celebrities they ‘would.’

Kirchner Sustains Note, Friends Bored

In an attempt to generate merriment Jeff Kirchner sang AND held a musical note far too long late in the afternoon on Monday, March 12th. The note, which was held for no shorter than 15 seconds (eternity to those in ear-shot), was intended to showcase Kirchner’s wit in relation to the previous day’s calendar abbreviation. Friends/witnesses Dan McCollister and Matt Moore were completely blindsided as Kirchner excitedly discussed the lack of celebratory recognition for the calendar day March 11th, or 3/11. McCollister was baffled as to how Kirchner chose not to select a ‘song’ from the 311 catalogue, but instead chose to ‘sing’ and sustain the words “Three Elevvvvvvvvvvvvven” for an amount of time that can only be described as ‘inappropriate.’

The situation as a whole did little to better the emotional state of either McCollister or Moore, as it only enforced an already looming sense of indifference toward Kirchner’s usual material

Moore’s Parody Leaves Friends Unimpressed

Self-proclaiming it a ‘misunderstood mistake,’ Matt Moore’s reference and parody of a popular ‘comedian’ was met with ill-favor late Thursday night. In a failed attempt to retain friends’ attention, Moore made an uncharacteristic verbal mistake uttering the phrase “Get ‘er done” in relation to friends Jeff Kirchner and Dan McCollister. Moore confusedly claims the phrase was intended to stir humor in his friends, as it was to be the climax to what was at the time a successful banter session.

“I don’t know what happened. One second I was talking about a hot girl from work, and the next second I’m uttering poorly conceived catch-phrases,” said Moore still shook up by the event. “Granted, I started to loose them toward the end of the convo, but I just don’t understand how I thought this phrase would bring them back.”

Immediately following the outburst, Kirchner and McCollister acknowledged Moore’s mistake with disappointed facial expressions and the apparent discovery of things to do elsewhere.

Unspoken Rule Leaves Kirchner Unimpressed

An unspoken rule relating to traffic flow left Jeff Kirchner extremely unimpressed late on the morning of Sunday, February the 4th. The unwanted-unspoken rule came as 2 lanes merged into 1, just off the California 405 freeway.

Kirchner, already fueled by the negative implications surrounding the word ‘tardy,’ found himself incredibly irate and thusly unimpressed as he was forced to let other drivers merge into ‘his’ lane. Kirchner’s ‘gut reaction’ to driving led him to believe it was his right to proceed at a steady rate considering traffic was merging into the lane he currently occupied. When it became apparent the other cars were expecting Kirchner to allow their entrance into ‘his’ lane, Kirchner began an open discussion as to why he should never have to let anyone merge in front of him, ever. Referencing the words ‘lazy’ and ‘stupid,’ Kirchner took his newly sequestered anti-courtesy driving convictions one step further claming to never merge again. Moments after realizing merge-less driving is impossible in LA, Kirchner backed off his single lane proclamation, though attempting to argue its legitimacy.

Kirchner remains unimpressed by said unspoken rule and claims he will continue his fight against traffic patterns he deems unjust... and most stop signs.

Kirchner Brash; Wastes Time

In what appeared to be a deliberate attempt to decrease productivity/promote confusion, Jeff Kirchner evaded logic and significantly wasted time late Monday morning. The utter waste of time came shortly after Kirchner, overzealous after an a.m. 24hour Fitness ‘work out,’ attempted to chart a new passage out of the Sherman Oaks Galleria parking garage. Mystifying his passenger/friend Matt Moore and an awkwardly waving Galleria patron/pedestrian, Kirchner’s attempt at plotting a skillful alternate passage from the garage only resulted in creating a greater distance between his vehicle and any legitimate exit.

Despite Kirchner’s routine “This looks good” and “I know where we are,” Moore’s frustration was evident in his heavy sighs and sarcastic comments loosely based on having “Nothing better to do.”

Moore’s resentment to Kirchner’s navigational ‘prowess’ quickly came to its zenith as Kirchner maneuvered the vehicle onto a subterranean level clearly marked ‘Restricted Parking Only-No Exit.’ The error was swiftly corrected without mention of fault, though Kirchner’s attempt at classifying the voyage under ‘new exploration’ was met with stern opposition and lack of eye contact from the passenger seat.

Moore is currently seeking compensation for the time lost by simply requesting Kirchner shower prior to lying on the couch following further workouts.