Kirchner Reclaims Hair/'Balls'

Early last week, boyfriend/pushover Jeff Kirchner regained ownership of his testicles by alerting long-term girlfriend to his plans of growing his hair out. The move, which crescendoed in Kirchner telling his girlfriend to “place her lips on his posterior,” has managed to alter Kirchner’s ‘street cred’ from ‘non-existent’ to ‘questionable.’

Kirchner’s girlfriend has been under suspicion of testicle misappropriation as early as 2003, though no significant leads were established until the following year. Matt Moore, the lead investigator on the matter, has long blamed the girlfriend for Kirchner’s supposed lack of desire to shake the ‘ΣΝ’ look. Despite differing opinions on the legitimacy of ‘rock hair’ and ‘looking awesome,’ Kirchner claims the relationship with said girlfriend remains stable.