Moore Risks All For Nothing

In a move that can only be classified as ‘retarded,’ Matt Moore almost ran completely out of gas on LA’s north 101 freeway early Wednesday morning. The incident took place shortly after the hour of 2am as Moore, fueled by a desire to ‘put his head down,’ was returning home from the Hollywood area.

The incident was not the first of its kind as Moore has found himself in a similar situation more than once within the last 2 months.
“I know its not good for the car, but I’m pretty much the best at it” Moore explained as he coasted into his local Shell station the following morning. “Why would I stop being the best?” Though Moore is aware that what he is doing is completely useless, and continued behavior is eventually going to result in use of the word ‘tardy’ and a tow truck, he shows no signs of slowing down his efforts to his waste time or that of others. “You remember The Matrix? Robots run things man. Not me. My car knows who’s boss.”

Though Moore claims he’s taking a stand for humanity, further investigation proves he is simply becoming lazy.

Future Statement Has Lude Implications

In an effort to decrease consumable waste/foster good will, Matt Moore made a statement nothing shy of awkward late Thursday afternoon. As Moore unloaded a newly purchased bag of groceries he asked best friend and roommate Jeff Kirchner if Kirchner wanted to ‘eat my buns.’ The statement was intended to reference an 8-pack of hamburger buns purchased a half hour prior to the incident, however, with Kirchner in another room completely unaware of the baked goods, the statement was only met with an uncomfortable silence.

Moore, feeling guilty for wasting uneaten hamburger buns at the end of the week, felt he would implement Al Gore’s teachings by allowing Kirchner the opportunity to share the buns. Moore hoped this effort would boost overall apartment morale while giving both he and Kirchner a sense of global awareness.


“I just wanted to know if he wanted some buns,” Moore later claimed in the living room. “I, in no way, intended Jeff attempt to consume MY buns.”

Though the statement was contained within the apartment, Moore and Kirchner still found it necessary to spend the next 20-30 minutes discussing Monster Trucks, black eyes, and female celebrities they ‘would.’