Priest Imposter Nearly Mauled by 2-D Werewolf.

An unsuspecting man posing as a priest came within inches of being ripped to pieces Friday night. The incident took place during a whore/superhero/pun/clergy/play-on-words/law enforcement convention late Friday, October 31st.

In a nonchalant attempt to rest his legs while engaging in a social interaction, the man sat not more than 12 inches away from a vicious two-dimensional werewolf. The werewolf, who had been maintaining his position of attack for several hours before guests arrived, made no attempt to attack the unsuspecting man though the man was clearly within reach.

It is unclear why the werewolf, whose main life’s objective is murder, spared the man’s life. However, it is also unclear why a man posing as a priest went on to serve alcohol, ogle women, and bless inebriated men who were not properly prepared to take the sacrament.

US Olympic Team Dominates Office Conversation

In an unrelenting display of depth, the US Olympic team smashed all opposing topics of discussion last week. Despite a firm grip on the 2008 Schmidt Collins Lawrence Accounting conversation competition, the presidential election, Heroes season 2 anticipation, and rising fuel costs were no match for Beijing’s athletics juggernaut.

“They were just unbeatable” said Susan Thomas, a Schmidt Collins Lawrence Accounting CPA and formidable link in the firm’s gossip chain. “They took down everyone who stood in their way, from John Edward’s affair to the lack of fresh coffee in the break room. It’s just terrible.”

Though the US Olympic Team has its share of doubters, several members of the firm find Team US’s dominance a breath of fresh air in the battle of leisure-time communication. Schmidt Collins Lawrence Accounting office manager Trevor Appleton welcomes the changing of the guard,
“Thank god, for Usain Bolt is all I have to say. Seriously, if I have to hear one more thing about Traci [Cooper] adopting an African baby, I’m going to shoot myself. Okay, we get it. Traci you adopted an African baby. Do we really need to talk about this every time I go into the break room?”

Good or bad, it would appear the US Olympic team has asserted itself as the conversation to beat, and has welcomed any and all challengers. Team USA’s seemingly unchallenged winning streak is expected to continue until the season premier of American Idol.

American Doctors Brace For Olympic Fever Outbreak

The American Medical Association has encouraged all US hospitals, clinics, and medical facilities to prepare for the greatest epidemic of Olympic Fever in the last 4 years. The outbreak, characterized by a prerecorded television obsession, brief interludes of patriotism, and an insatiable thirst for gold, is expected to grip millions of Americans with nothing better to do.

"This is going to be the biggest strain on Olympic Fever treatment facilities since late summer of '04" said Dr. Carol Burkins of Stanford University Medical Center. "I mean we had scattered cases emerge for about two weeks in the winter of 2006, but most were directly associated with typical winter boredom. This is going to be a full-out epidemic."

Though only a handful of cases have emerged nation-wide, medical professionals are expecting numbers to skyrocket over the weekend of August 8th-10th. Medical facilities across the country have attempted to emotionally/psychologically prepare emergency room, operating room, and waiting room personnel for the onslaught of patients with the outward sign of the sickness. Many times the illness is marked by a colored skin pigmentation irregularity known as “the 5-rings” which can be located anywhere on the body. The “5-rings” are especially prevalent in the hard to notice areas of the ankles, feet, lower back, and groin of former athletes who lack exceptional talent and don’t understand the concept of permanent.

Fears have also begun to surface throughout the nation as to the full-scale effect an outbreak of this magnitude could have on the already slumping economy. With the American worker's attention span already at an all-time low, Olympic Fever could easily wipe out all day-to-day productivity for most American businesses. Several communities in the American northeast have already begun to quarantine-off several areas including a retirement community and a hospital waiting room in an effort to keep the fever from spreading to areas of high work efficiency.

"I f we don't stop this thing now before it starts, nothing is going to get done and we'll have a real problem on our hands." Richard Schultz, a White House economic advisor said in an official statement. "What if my secretary becomes infected and can no longer come into work? I mean, who is going to do all this filing?"

Several branches of the US government have their own filing problems as multiple high ranking officials have filed charges against those who they believe is secretly behind this mission to stop the American economic machine.

"Olympic Fever is a clear-cut biological attack on the United States of America by the nation of China,” exclaimed General Patrick Stevens of the United States Army. "They know they can't stop us with military power, so they're going to attack our economy. They must be stopped now before work completely stops and we have to buy even more crap from 'em."

Despite the official source of Olympic Fever, US medical professionals have stepped up their efforts to alert at-risk Americans of the dangers the illness can bring.
"People affected by Olympic Fever have a tendency to lack anything interesting to talk about other than inspirational stories dealing with poor athletes conquering over adversity,” explained Dr. Burkins. "Furthermore, infected individuals tend to put themselves and others at risk through constant attempts to steal American rap stars’ gold. They’re willing to sacrifice everything to take the gold.”

American medical professionals have urged all US citizens to closely monitor all former high school athletes, middle-aged mothers, and current/former female grade school gymnasts as they are at the greatest risk of contracting the socially debilitating Olympic Fever sickness.

Local Musician Announces Free Outdoor Concert Series

Studio City, CA –Local guitarist, vocalist, and barista Trevor Friesen announced plans to play a number of free outdoor concerts throughout Los Angeles over the next several months. The announcement came late Sunday night following Friesen’s set at the Cooper’s Bar and Grille magic and open mic night in Studio City. After closing with a stark and faintly translucent cover of Maroon 5’s “This Love,” Friesen silenced his roommate and his roommate’s girlfriend’s applause to announce the upcoming performances.

“It was just a spontaneous thing,” an exhilarated Friesen said after zipping the case back around his ‘Stratocaster’ Acoustic. “I think everyone was really into it so I wanted them to know I’d be playing a lot more around town if they wanted to come out. ”
Friesen is no stranger to big announcements. A recent LA transplant via Riley, Minnesota Friesen, was once a touted university marching and jazz band prospect before shocking family and prospective band instructors alike by opting to skip college for Hollywood’s legendary music industry.

“Trevor really has an exceptional talent for music,” said Ted Davies, band instructor and girl’s golf coach for the Riley High School fightin’ Bulldogs. “Anyone who can make drum major as a junior has more than enough talent to make it in LA. What a bunch of phonies.”

Of course the decision to publicly announce the concert series could place unspecified pressure on Friesen to adapt more popular songs to his overtly despondent musical style, but pressure is something Friesen is not afraid of. “This one time at Peet’s [coffee] Sarah went home sick right before I had a crazy rush of like 30 high school kids. It sucked so I told ‘em the espresso machine was down and just gave ‘em all drip.”

The exact dates for Friesen’s free outdoor concert series have yet to be announced, as he will need to wait several days until he can put in for time off. Despite concrete performance dates, Friesen is confident his venue selection will produce attention from the major record labels. Friesen has secured several promising concert locals including in front of Mann’s Chinese theatre, the Vine street bus stop, and Santa Monica’s 3rd street promenade.

Man With Two Phones Appears Twice as Un-Cool

Silver Lake, CA--In a brash attempt to showcase high social standing, an incredibly important man utilized two mobile phones early Tuesday afternoon. The gesture occurred during a business lunch where the important man repeatedly excused himself from conversation in order to respond to telephone calls on one-device and text messages on the other. Its unclear if the mobile device dual wielding served any specific purpose, but the important man’s demeanor lead onlookers to believe he did it simply to ‘look super important and awesome.’

Though the other members of the lunch meeting seemed mildly impressed, the important man’s Gemini-phone technique served nothing more than to create the opposite impression than was initially intended. Furthermore, the important man’s desperado style mobile device holsters on either side of his waist only added to his perceived lameness as onlookers began referring to him as ‘batman.’ It remains unclear whether the man is, indeed, important enough to require two mobile phones or a suit jacket clearly two sizes too large.

Moore Restroom Etiquette Questionable

Matt Moore’s restroom etiquette came under tough scrutiny following an awkward exchange early Tuesday afternoon. The incident occurred at Moore’s place of employment after Moore, returning from a break, stepped into the main restroom to wash his hands in accordance with state law. Upon entering the restroom Moore experienced the stank equivalent to being ‘kicked in the face,’ and gingerly circled in front of the latrine, hoping his presence would trigger an automated ‘courtesy’ flush. The good mannered gesture only triggered Moore’s automated gag reflex as he came upon a scene, which can only be politely described as a ‘proper mess.’ Realizing no number of flush-passes could restore order to the ‘porcelain kingdom,’ Moore concluded a prompt exit and report to the proper protective glove-wielding authorities was the most appropriate course of action.

The situation became further ‘irregular,’ as Moore opened the door to find a patron anxiously waiting to utilize the facility. Moore, realizing he was in a lose- lose situation, opted to say nothing and let the patron come across the scene first hand, rather than sound ‘ultra fake’ and claim that he didn’t ‘do it.’

Moore remained out of direct eyesight throughout the patron’s prompt re-admittance onto the main floor and until the patron exited the premises. The cause for Moore’s elusive maneuvers were to simply, “Avoid further unwarranted shameful sentiments… and laughter.”

Apathetic Cat Unfazed By Pun

Calico house cat ‘Godiva’ showed little concern in regards to an unexpected pun Wednesday evening. The exchange occurred when the cat’s temporary guardian/house sitter Matt Moore startled the cat when he ‘accidentally’ dropped a large pile of junk mail behind her. The unwanted post, which was initially intended for the kitchen counter, struck the floor tile in such a fashion that it startled the cat to near petrifaction. Once Godiva’s soul returned to her body, with great haste she made for the open doorway and into the drawing room. The true moment of shock and surprise occurred during the moments following the incident when Moore, subtly dazed by the display, asked that Godiva, “Quit being such a scared-y cat.” This unexpected pun, though innocent in nature, was enough to initiate a shared sense of indifference for Moore’s presence throughout the house.