American Doctors Brace For Olympic Fever Outbreak

The American Medical Association has encouraged all US hospitals, clinics, and medical facilities to prepare for the greatest epidemic of Olympic Fever in the last 4 years. The outbreak, characterized by a prerecorded television obsession, brief interludes of patriotism, and an insatiable thirst for gold, is expected to grip millions of Americans with nothing better to do.

"This is going to be the biggest strain on Olympic Fever treatment facilities since late summer of '04" said Dr. Carol Burkins of Stanford University Medical Center. "I mean we had scattered cases emerge for about two weeks in the winter of 2006, but most were directly associated with typical winter boredom. This is going to be a full-out epidemic."

Though only a handful of cases have emerged nation-wide, medical professionals are expecting numbers to skyrocket over the weekend of August 8th-10th. Medical facilities across the country have attempted to emotionally/psychologically prepare emergency room, operating room, and waiting room personnel for the onslaught of patients with the outward sign of the sickness. Many times the illness is marked by a colored skin pigmentation irregularity known as “the 5-rings” which can be located anywhere on the body. The “5-rings” are especially prevalent in the hard to notice areas of the ankles, feet, lower back, and groin of former athletes who lack exceptional talent and don’t understand the concept of permanent.

Fears have also begun to surface throughout the nation as to the full-scale effect an outbreak of this magnitude could have on the already slumping economy. With the American worker's attention span already at an all-time low, Olympic Fever could easily wipe out all day-to-day productivity for most American businesses. Several communities in the American northeast have already begun to quarantine-off several areas including a retirement community and a hospital waiting room in an effort to keep the fever from spreading to areas of high work efficiency.

"I f we don't stop this thing now before it starts, nothing is going to get done and we'll have a real problem on our hands." Richard Schultz, a White House economic advisor said in an official statement. "What if my secretary becomes infected and can no longer come into work? I mean, who is going to do all this filing?"

Several branches of the US government have their own filing problems as multiple high ranking officials have filed charges against those who they believe is secretly behind this mission to stop the American economic machine.

"Olympic Fever is a clear-cut biological attack on the United States of America by the nation of China,” exclaimed General Patrick Stevens of the United States Army. "They know they can't stop us with military power, so they're going to attack our economy. They must be stopped now before work completely stops and we have to buy even more crap from 'em."

Despite the official source of Olympic Fever, US medical professionals have stepped up their efforts to alert at-risk Americans of the dangers the illness can bring.
"People affected by Olympic Fever have a tendency to lack anything interesting to talk about other than inspirational stories dealing with poor athletes conquering over adversity,” explained Dr. Burkins. "Furthermore, infected individuals tend to put themselves and others at risk through constant attempts to steal American rap stars’ gold. They’re willing to sacrifice everything to take the gold.”

American medical professionals have urged all US citizens to closely monitor all former high school athletes, middle-aged mothers, and current/former female grade school gymnasts as they are at the greatest risk of contracting the socially debilitating Olympic Fever sickness.