Fang-less Vampire Sucks Class Out Of Neck

During a dim-lit engagement in the Los Angeles area, local journalist/heartthrob Matt Moore was viciously attacked by what scientist have only determined to be a hot, fang-less vampire early last weekend. Moore, who believed the female ‘creature of the night’ was actually the living, had plans of dinner and dancing followed by kissing or the prospect of making out. Moore did not, however, plan on the embarrassment caused when the ‘vampire’ attempted to suck out his blood through his skin rather than attempting to create an appropriate neck puncture wound.

“I would have gladly had her use a knife or even a screw driver to help suck my blood out.” Moore said while wearing a turtleneck sweater. “At least that way I’d have a man’s wound. Right now I look like I just got off a late night high school band trip.”

Though Moore should be concerned that he too is possibly the undead, his energies are primarily focused on skin tone make-up and legitimizing wool scarves in June.

Kirchner Reclaims Hair/'Balls'

Early last week, boyfriend/pushover Jeff Kirchner regained ownership of his testicles by alerting long-term girlfriend to his plans of growing his hair out. The move, which crescendoed in Kirchner telling his girlfriend to “place her lips on his posterior,” has managed to alter Kirchner’s ‘street cred’ from ‘non-existent’ to ‘questionable.’

Kirchner’s girlfriend has been under suspicion of testicle misappropriation as early as 2003, though no significant leads were established until the following year. Matt Moore, the lead investigator on the matter, has long blamed the girlfriend for Kirchner’s supposed lack of desire to shake the ‘ΣΝ’ look. Despite differing opinions on the legitimacy of ‘rock hair’ and ‘looking awesome,’ Kirchner claims the relationship with said girlfriend remains stable.